Out of Control:
How to Stop Those Vicious Victorian Masturbators
by
Nurse Puppy
Guest Blogger
It was the height of the Victorian era and all was not well,
Self-degradation, addiction, and unnatural vice,
Don't jailbirds know that those things are not nice?
The situation had gotten way out of control,
It seemed like every convict was shining his pole.
Then, what to our wond'ring eyes did appear?
Lo, an invention to protect the good people from fear.
Bind up those organs! Lock them up tight!
Let's put an end to this terrible blight.
And so the good people could then find some peace,
Knowing that prison masturbation had finally ceased.
Thanks to Daniel P. Cook of Hartford, Connecticut, the American public would no longer need to worry about what was occurring behind the walls of prisons and reform schools. On June 14, 1870, Mr. Cook received a patent for a “Self-Protector” to ensure that criminals and juvenile delinquents would no longer be able to touch themselves.
Cook claimed:
of a person addicted to the vice of masturbation, from his
own touch and control, so that he or she must refrain from
the commission of the vicious and self-degrading act.
Vicious? How does one viciously masturbate? Were the masturbators all wild-eyed masochists slicing their dicks with broken glass or stabbing their balls with rusty nails? Probably not … but you never know.
Based on his commentary, Mr. Cook apparently worked at a prison and knew first-hand of the dangerous habits of his charges:
and reform schools that the practice of masturbation
becomes all but universal among those confined therein.
But, the threat extended beyond the walls of prisons and reform schools, so Mr. Cook also intended to market his new invention to physicians and parents:
families, that multitudes of children of both sexes injure their
moral and physical natures for life by the practice of this vice.
The abomination was a crisis of major proportions, and it was so out of control, that Mr. Cook needed to appeal to the moral, sane, and responsible people of America:
have control of all such persons to entirely prevent the practice.
Power and control says it all. If all the unruly people would just quite thinking, feeling, and acting without permission, it is well known that the work of our moral police would be so much easier. As it was, however, Mr. Cook was forced to take extreme measures. He had to protect himself from his own guilt and fear by controlling the actions of others.
His invention consisted of metal bands encircling the body, a metal pouch, and numerous small metal strips passing down between the legs, “all locked together by a small padlock, the key to which is to be carried by the person who has charge of the masturbator.”
Well, at least he didn't recommend throwing away the key! Perhaps was there some hope of rehabilitation for this horrible crime?
Unwilling to take any chances that those conniving masturbators might be able to slip a fingertip inside the metal bands, Mr. Cook insisted that the devices be custom-fitted for maximum protection:
edges of the pouch fit so close against the person that it will
be impossible for the wearer to touch the confined organ.
Whew! Safe at last! I'm certain our pious ancestors slept better knowing that the masturbation crisis was under control.
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