Piss Hard On

Yes, the piss hard on, often called the morning woody, or my favorite, the pee boner. Why does it happen?

Hot guy with morning wood

According to Dr. Joseph Alukal, assistant professor of urology at NYU Langdone Medical Center, "The penis is a very strange organ in terms of its job and the way it traps blood inside it." Thus it is not as if pee is just waiting to emerge or some kind of bladder control issue.

The most medically sound explanation, according to many sources, is that it has something to do with the brain. Certain parts of the brain shut down during REM sleep, including the one that keeps that dick in check.

From a more Freudian perspective, that bossy superego that often informs the social norms we adhere to to function in the waking world isn't keeping that primal id from taking over.

But also, think about this: so much of sex is tied to the brain, and so much of the brain functions like all that complex stuff going on in the background of one's computer.

There's another theory. Again, according to our expert Dr. Alukal, "There's no other place in your body that has to trap blood for an extended period of time. For example, if we took a tourniquet and tied it around your foot for a half hour, we might have some problems afterward. But your penis is expected to trap blood for a half hour or an hour and be fine afterward. This could be part of the programming that reminds the penis, 'This is how you do your job.'"

And we know what that job is, and it's not just making babies. Well, that could be the end result, but much as some guys complain about that supposed pee boner, don't forget it gives them the opportunity to begin the day with a orgasm. Alone or with your partner (and if your partner is a guy, maybe he's got a woody going too). Voila!

Morning wood cartoon

Why am I writing about this topic today? Now, that's a weird anecdote. I was walking to the office here, and I noticed one of those yellow school buses pulled up a couple of blocks away. It was not a bus full of students, as school was not out yet around here. No, it was one of those buses probably hired to take Cubs fans to a game (yes, that season is upon us) in Chicago).

The bus was empty, the door was open. I heard a gravely male voice, loud and deep (and not young-sounding) proclaim from the driver's seat, “You'll wake up with a piss hard-on.”

Obviously, I don't know the context of this conversation, but I am thinking maybe the person he might have been calling (again, the bus was empty) wasn't getting that morning woody. According to Dr. Alukal, researcher, once middle age hits, morning boners tend to stop as their testosterone levels dip.

The day I don't wake up with one, which for me is a visible sign of our God-given life force in all its myriad manifestations, I will be in Paradise or Heaven or whatever one calls it.

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Many many years ago, I was waiting for a bus on a bitterly cold day. Typical Chicago winter. The bus stop was located across the street from the local ABC station, in Chicago known as the Channel 7 Eyewitness News. The weatherguy, Mike Kaplan, emerged and strode resolutely across the street, and before I could say Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up, I was on television. And I didn't freeze up in front of the cameras like Cindy Brady on The Brady Bunch

Mike just asked me some general questions about the weather situation, and if there were any issues with the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) that day. I said I had experienced no problems with the buses, and I proceeded to explain my fashion strategy for keeping warm, layering, ear coverings and hat, big scarf around the neck. I said cheekily, “If you want to stay warm, you have to dress like a dork.” 

Bundled up for winter

Those who saw me on television later that evening (I appeared on the 6 p.m. broadcast) enjoyed a good laugh, but a couple of years later, when I did a vanity google search on my name, someone said, _____ said he was a penis on the ABC Eyewitness News. 

Yes, dork also means penis. Well, kind of. According to Leigh W. Rutledge inThe Gay Book of Lists, the word dick probably came from the the Middle English word dirk, meaning a small sword. Dirk actually came from the word dorke, which meant the horns (origin of the expression horny?) of an animal. Dirk and dork later became slang expressions for the penis. 

Now, there's some controversy that the work dork means a male penis. It actually means a whale's penis. And it's big. Really big. 

So, I am a big penis. And thus I am a small sword, and I am the horns of an animal. I guess I am not what I eat. 

All I know, is the day I wake up without that morning wood, I'll really feel like a big dork. 

Morning wood cartoon


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