Traveling the Arc

Hello folks. Will here. (Or at least I think so!) 

Opening remarks... a little bit different this time. I'll be speaking about a topic that could be considered taboo in gay society as well as society in general... disappearing from the scene as we age. I heard about this many years ago, that as gay men age they start to become invisible. They lose that currency called sexuality. At that youthful point in my life, I didn't dwell on it, as I was in my heyday at the top of the rainbow and I believed life would go on forever with all of its magical charms.

The charms I am speaking about deal with youth and being relevant just because you are attractive. Unfortunately, that relevance is based on the skin deep illusion of beauty - the ability to turn heads and make people's pulses quicken with just your looks. I used the arc of a rainbow as a metaphor to illustrate how this phenomenon worked in my life.

"In the beginning" of life we start our rainbow. Despite all of the attention and love a child gets from their parents (depending on the luck of your birth), youth and adolescence can still be a painful "ugly duckling" period that seemingly lasts forever.

Unfortunately, the people who you find attractive don't even know you exist. This leaves you feeling like you're not even there. (At least, that was the case for me.) Not knowing any better, I took it for granted that this was my caste in life. This is particularly awkward in high school years when all sorts of hormones are raging. It leaves you rife for developing a complex!

But, when I least expected it, things started to change for me. I was around 19 or 20 when I felt both guys and girls gazing at me. It rocked my world. It was awkward not knowing what to do with this new attention. But, I explored!

From a very early age, I knew I was drawn to guys. I would have to laugh about how I coerced my neighborhood "buddies" into various states of undress just so I could feel that new and wonderful experience called "being turned on." Much to my pleasure, all that changed with my emerging new looks. I was being sought after. Talk about rocking my world. It seemed my ugly duckling years of this metaphoric rainbow were over. I was rising to its midpoint. 

Yep, that's when all of this porn business started to happen for me. Literally, plucked off the street by the likes of Man's Image, Target and Falcon Studios, I had to routinely pinch myself to make sure this wasn't a dream! Early on in this phase of my life, I realized that I had a gift. And, I had to take care of that gift for as long as possible. This was my new currency.

I always had great respect for older men. I wanted to learn the knowledge and history that they had acquired. But, I realized that I wasn't physically attracted to them. That was awkward and sometimes painful. These men, being older than me, understood their plight of invisibility. In the straight forward world of sex, they had no currency. I was never prone to giving away charity fucks. Only attractive men around my own age made any sense to me. Nonetheless, I began to understand this idea of becoming invisible.

Learning this in my thirties, I committed to keeping as much of my youth and looks as possible. I did well with my regimens for the next few decades... slaving away at the gym and lavishing myself with unguents of all kinds to ward off the inevitability of aging.

Up until my mid 40s, I was carrying on like I was two decades younger. I had moved to South Beach in 1994 and had the time of my life... living most of my time in and out of my little black Speedo! I literally had to leave that paradise to save my life and what was left of my mind. After all, I was 45 years old - NOT 25!

Then, it was my turn. It didn't happen overnight. And, it took its sweet time. I started realizing in my mid-50s - the ogling stares which once bothered me were coming less and less frequently. Like it or not, getting ready for invisibility was here. This was quite a shock for a one time "pinup boy!" Had I lost my “currency?” 

Now, at age 75 and looking back from the other end of the rainbow, I realize that I too have moved into the realm of invisibility. But, armed with the knowledge of what was coming, I prepared myself with a mindset of staying young at heart and not holding onto any delusions of youth. I have learned the huge lesson of gratitude... that is, to be thankful for a very special past. It has been one helluva trip across this wonderful rainbow!